You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
