That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
