So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
