I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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