I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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