I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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