WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Randomize
