I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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