I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Randomize
