i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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