just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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