Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
