my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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