Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
