Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
