ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
