Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
