My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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