dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
