I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
