Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
