where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
