I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
We named our party play list daddy issues
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
