at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
