I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
