So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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