I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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