i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize