Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
