So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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