I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
