if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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