he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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