y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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