dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
