Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
