I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Your dad touched me again.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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