so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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