yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
