# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
And then he peed in my hair
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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