Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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