I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
