We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
