I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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