i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
