it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize