how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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