Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
