my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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