I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
