girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
