Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
