my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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