: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
